


Angel Angel, Down We Go Together

by LowInHighSchool



Category: Football RPF
Genre: M/M, Self Harm, fml666, vent fic basically lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-11-21 17:18:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11362008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowInHighSchool/pseuds/LowInHighSchool
Summary: Something's going on with Granit...





	1. the never played symphonies

**Author's Note:**

> ok ok so this was basically me just writing instead of destroying myself lol why would you cut on your neck? i hear you ask, well pals, sometimes you just feel like it...also why don't italics work on this damn website?! Title's a Morrissey song because damn i love him

When Olivier sees Granit at training he takes a minute to step back and look because damn, Granit does not look right. He has bags under his eyes and he keeps staring at the floor. Hadn’t he slept? There are cuts around his neck as well and that’s what worries Oli the most.

“Granit” He says but no, he hasn’t worked out exactly what he wants to say right now.

“Yeah?”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine”

“Sure?”

“Yeah I’m great” And Granit forces a smile because maybe then Oli won’t realise there’s anything going on, not that there’s anything going on, he just hasn’t been feeling too great is all.

“Hmm” Oli’s not sure.

Granit finds a ball and kicks it to Oli and more people join in so Oli can’t say anything else even though he’d like to. More people have noticed as well, of course they have and of course they’ll go to Oli. They are dating after all.

“Is Granit ok?” Laurent asks Oli when training’s finished.

“I’m not sure”

“Oh It’s just his neck…”

“Yeah I’d noticed too, I’ll talk to him”

“Good”

And it’s then Oli wonder exactly what he’ll say because he needed to say something but he was drawing a blank. He waits until they’re back at Granit’s house after before he realises he’ll have to say something.

“Are you sure you’re ok?” He asks, half focusing on the film playing.

“Yeah I’m fine”

“Your neck…”

“I had a bad night”

“Oh”

“I’m sorry”

“No don’t apologise. Next time call me please?”

“Yeah”

“Good. What happened?”

“Bad thoughts”

“I know the type” Oli sighs but at least he was getting somewhere, at least he hopes he is. “What thoughts?”

“Just thoughts I don’t deserve to play for Arsenal, or anyone”

“Oh. You do though, honestly”

“I guess I know that really”

“Just ignore them”

“I’ve been trying”

“Are you getting them now?” Oli asks because damn if he wasn’t curious…just wanted to help…

“Not really, it helps being around people”

“Good. I’ll stay as long as you want”

“Thanks”

There’s silence for a moment as they both focus on the film and Oli wonders if Granit’s really watching or…

“I love you” Oli says

“I love you too”

“And I’m here for you”

“I know, thanks”

“Did you clean it?”

“Of course”

Olivier pulls Granit into his arms, relieved when he seems to relax. He’d sort this, whatever was going on. He notices Granit nodding off then as well, must be tired…didn’t look like he’d slept. So he turns the volume down and tries not to move because Granit needed sleep. When the film’s finished he wonders what he should do. He doesn’t want to wake Granit so eventually he just drifts off himself, wondering if everything will be ok.


	2. seasick, yet still docked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so more SH urges means another chapter! yey! fml666

Olivier’s been keeping an eye on his boyfriend. Of course he had, how could he not with what he’d done? So far everything seemed ok, the cuts were healing fine and he hadn’t seen any new ones. Granit seemed as happy as ever, but Olivier knew looks could be deceiving.

This is reinforced after the next match. Oli stays out late on the pitch talking to players from the other team and Wenger so when he gets back to the changing room he’s almost the last one. Almost. He sees Laurent coming out of the changing room, walking over to him.

“You need to talk to Granit” He says.

“Why?” Olivier says, confused

“I tried, he wouldn’t listen. He’s scaring me”

“Ok, I’ll talk to him” and damn, Olivier’s confused. What could he mean?

He walks into the changing room and Granit’s there and admittedly it takes Olivier a few seconds to react to what he’s doing because Granit’s sitting there carving up his arm.

“Hey” Olivier says, not quite sure how he’s going to handle this. Granit looks up at him like a rabbit caught in headlights.

“I thought everyone else had gone”

“No I was talking to people. What are you doing?”

“Well my neck was too obvious”

“That’s not what I meant, stop that!”

Granit does and it’s only now Olivier approaches him.

“Give me that” He says. Reluctantly Granit hands the blade over. “Thank you. Do you have more?”

“At home”

“Ok, I’ll come back with you and take them”

“Thanks I guess”

“We should get you cleaned up”

Oli searches for a first aid kit, eventually finding one and finds the stuff he’ll need. He sits down next to Granit on the bench and starts cleaning his cuts with the alcohol wipes before covering them in gauze and bandages. It’s only as he’s cleaning them he notices other scars as well, faded now but how hadn’t he seen them? He goes to say something about it but realises that’s probably not the best idea.

“There, just don’t get it wet” He eventually says.

“I won’t”

“What made you do it?”

“I just felt like it”

“Granit…”

“Honestly. And I missed a goal in the match”

“You don’t have to punish yourself”

“I guess I know that really”

“Yeah, if you were feeling bad you should’ve come to get me”

“I thought you’d gone” Granit says “I didn’t really think, I just did it”

“That much is clear, I’d never leave without saying anything anyway”

“Oh”

“So if there is a next time, tell me”

“I will”

“Good, I better shower anyway”

“Yeah, I want to go home”

“I won’t be a minute”

Olivier quickly undresses and heads to the shower, mind in overdrive. Granit was still hurting himself and that scared him, a lot. Even more so because he’d seemed fine but was clearly not. He showers quickly and goes to get changed.

“Done” He says when he’s ready.

“Good”

They head to their cars and drive to Granit’s house. All the time Olivier wondering what he can do to make this better.

“Give me your blades” He says when they get there.

“Do I have to?”

“Yes!”

Granit heads upstairs and finds them, bringing them down to Olivier.

“Thank you” Olivier says “I’m going to check your arms in a few day’s time as well, just to make sure”

“I’m not a child”

“I know, I’m just looking out for you”

“I guess I know that, thanks”

“No problem, now why don’t you pick something to watch”

Granit nods and browses his DVD’s, eventually settling on an old comedy.

“Good choice” Olivier says as he puts it in.

Even so, Granit can’t really concentrate and ends up lying across Olivier, absentmindedly playing with the strings of his hoodie.

“Alright?” Olivier asks, putting an arm around him

“Yeah I’m fine”

“I love you you know”

“I know, I love you too”

“And I’m always here for you”

“I know that too”

“Good”

Soon the film finishes and Granit realises he doesn’t even remember what he’s just seen. No matter. He was tired.

“Do you want to stay over?” Granit asks.

“Sure”

Granit turns the TV off and they head upstairs to bed and get ready. Olivier’s tired so is glad when they’re finally in bed.

“I meant it you know” He says “I’m always here for you”

“I know, thanks”

“No problem, let’s try and sleep now”

“Yeah ok”

“Night Granit”

“Night”

Olivier pulls Granit into his arms and tries to drift off. He can’t get the image of Granit’s arms out of his mind, he’d properly hacked them up. He’d keep a better eye on him in future he’d already decided. For now though, he needs to sleep.


	3. that's how people grow up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter because why the hell not? Enjoy :^)

A few days later and the cuts on Granit’s neck have basically gone, he’s relieved, they were ugly. His arm was healing up nicely as well, and he hopes it doesn’t scar…doesn’t want that reminder. 

So yes, Granit thinks he’s doing well but one night after a game he wants-needs-to cut. He’d gotten a red card and that just wasn’t good enough. He sighs as he instinctively goes for his blades (ok so maybe he hadn’t given Olivier all of them), he gets one out of the packet before coming to his senses. What was he doing? Olivier would see and be upset! And did he really want the hassle of cleaning it up? 

He takes the blades and puts them in the bin, that had been close. He still kind of wants to cut though. He should call Olivier although he feels bad because he knows he’ll be tired after the match. Even so, he dials. 

“Hey” Olivier says.

“Hey” And now Granit doesn’t know what to say.

“What’s up?”

“I want to hurt myself”

“But you haven’t?”

“No”

“Good, I’m coming round ok?”

“Thanks”

“No problem, be there soon”

“See you”

Granit hangs up feeling relieved, his boyfriend was coming round. He kills time flicking through his book until the door goes. 

“Hey” Olivier says when Granit answers the door.

“Hey, thanks for coming”

“No problem, I brought snacks and a film”

“Sounds good”

He leads Oli through to the living room and puts the film on, sitting back in his boyfriend’s arms. 

“I haven’t done anything” He says

“Good. Can I check?”

“Sure”

Granit rolls up his sleeves and Olivier can see scars but no new cuts. Good. 

“But you wanted to” Olivier says.

“I did”

“Why?”

“The red card” And damn Olivier thinks, because maybe he should’ve thought of that.

“Ah. Well these things happen, try not to worry about it”

“I’m trying it’s just, it’s the second I’ve had”

“I know, but I think they were a bit harsh anyway, so you’re aggressive, you can work on that”

“I guess”

“You know I’m right”

“You are” Granit says, turning to kiss Olivier.

They sit, watching the film and eating the snacks until it’s getting quite late, very late in fact.

“Want to stay over?” Granit asks.

“Please”

Granit turns the TV off and they head upstairs.

“Oh I should probably give you these” Granit says, fishing the blades out of his almost empty bin.

“Yes, you should” And Olivier’s not going to say anything, because he thought he had them all.

They quickly get changed and into bed.

“How are you feeling now?” Olivier asks.

“Not too bad, tired mainly”

“Sleep now, you’ll feel better tomorrow”

“I know, night. I love you”

“Love you too”

Olivier pulls Granit into his arms and tries to drift off. He was proud of his boyfriend he had to admit, he’d called him instead of hurting himself which was definitely a step in the right direction. He just hoped it would last.


	4. hold on to your friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh look, another chapter! chapter title's a Morrissey song as per usual :p

A week passes and you can’t even see the cuts on Granit’s neck anymore. The ones on his arms have scarred over as well. He’s annoyed. They’re fairly obvious, more obvious than the older ones anyway. He only hopes they can wear long sleeves. 

Training’s ok, he can wear long sleeves then. He’s still nervous about someone finding out though. He changes quickly, standing next to Oli, praying no one will come over. 

He finds that as training gets going he’s getting quite warm though, very warm. Others were rolling their sleeves up. If only he could. He curses himself for being so stupid. He tries to put it out of his mind and focus. 

In the changing room he realises he’ll have a problem, showering. He hangs around waiting for everyone to leave.

“Aren’t you going to shower?” Olivier asks him.

“In a bit”

“Come on”

“I’d prefer to alone”

“Is this because of your arms?” Olivier lowers his voice.

“Yeah”

“No one’s gonna say anything, I won’t let them”

“I guess”

“So come on, you can’t shower last forever”

Granit realises he’s right.

“Ok” He says. He gets up and takes his kit of, he folds his arms in front of him as they walk to the showers. Thankfully there aren’t many people in there now. 

“Hey good session” Shkodran says to them as they enter.

“It was” Granit agrees

“Are you two coming to the meal on Saturday?”

“Of course”

Ok Granit thinks, this isn’t too bad. He reaches to wash his hair.

“Hey what’s that?” Mesut asks and he can feel all their eyes on him.

Granit hides his arm behind his back.

“Nothing, it’s nothing”

“It was something” Shkodran says

“Yeah but it’s nothing to worry about”

“It’s fine” Olivier assures them.

“Just know we’re here for you yeah?” Shkodran says.

Mesut nods.

“I know, thanks guys” Granit says

“Seriously, call us anytime” Shkodran says “Y’know, if Oli’s not there”

“I will. Thanks”

Olivier gives Granit’s arm a reassuring squeeze and they go back to showering. Granit’s relieved, that had gone well, better than he’d imagined. He’d always imagined his teammates finding out and being mad at him. 

They go and get changed and Granit can’t wait to get home.

“You still coming back to mine?” Olivier asks.

“If that’s ok, I don’t have my car anyway”

“Of course, you feeling ok?”

“Yeah I’m fine”

“Good”

They say goodbye to their teammates and head to Olivier’s car.

“See that wasn’t too bad was it?” Olivier says.

“No, they were nice”

“Exactly, so now will you shower with the rest of us?”

“Yeah I guess so”

“Good”

Olivier puts on some music and they sing along the rest of the way home. 

“I’ll make us some dinner” Olivier says when they get in “What d’ya want?”

“I don’t mind”

“Pasta?”

“Sounds good”

“Just put the TV or something, I won’t be long”

Olivier kisses Granit before going into the kitchen. Granit sits on the couch and turns the TV on, finding something to focus on. Olivier comes out 20 minutes later with two bowls of pasta.

“Thanks” Granit says.

They eat in silence, watching whatever’s on TV.

“I’m proud of you, y’know” Olivier says when they’re finished.

“Why?”

“Well you stopped hurting yourself for a start, and you showered with everyone”

“Thanks”

“Do you still want to?”

“Kinda. Sometimes. But I deal with it, like the other day when I called you”

“Ah. You didn’t say”

“I didn’t”

“Well I’m proud of you anyway”

Silence. And Olivier knows he shouldn’t ask but damn, he was curious.

“Granit…”

“Yeah?”

“The other week I saw scars, you’ve done this for a while?”

“Yeah”

“But you showered with everyone before”

“I know, the old ones are faded. You probably only saw them in the light”

“Yeah good point. When did you start anyway?” And then he realises that might be insensitive “No you don’t…”

“When I first went to Gladbach. I was confused. I missed my family. I thought I was no good”

“I’m sorry. But things got better?”

“Of course”

“But you still did it” Olivier sighs and puts an arm around his boyfriend.

“Only sometimes, before the other week I hadn’t done it for ages”

“Ah, what happened?”

“Nerves? Bad thoughts? I don’t know”

“It happens sometimes”

“Yeah”

“And now you have me”

“I know” Granit says

“And Mes and Shkodran said you could call them”

“I know, they’re good friends”

“Good, anyway, shall we play Fifa?”


	5. you're gonna need someone on your side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *internal screaming* ok ok i'm sorry to bother everyone with this fic but this is definitely the last chapter, i promise!! Peace!

A few weeks later and Granit’s worried. Ok the cuts have scarred and been forgotten about now and he doesn’t even have the urge to do anything else but even so, he’s worried Olivier will leave him. He knows he’s put him through a lot, not that he’d say anything of course. It gets to him as well and he realises he’ll have to say something to somebody.

One day he’s over at Shkodran’s house, just to play Fifa and relax after the match. He can’t stop thinking about Olivier though. 

“Are you alright?” Shkodran asks, half focussing on the screen.

“I guess”

“What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing, it doesn’t matter”

“I’m sure it does, I just want to help”

Granit considers, he can trust Shkodran right?

“I guess I’m just worried Oli will leave me” He says.

“Ah” Shkodran pauses the game “Why?”

“Because of what I did”

“Hurting yourself?”

“Yeah, I put him through a lot”

“He loves you, he wouldn’t have stuck by you if he didn’t”

“I guess”

“He cares about you, don’t forget that”

“I know, it’s just he shouldn’t have to put up with me” Granit sighs

“Don’t say that, he does because he loves you”

“It’s not easy though”

“It’s harder for you”

“I guess”

“Maybe talk to him?”

“Maybe”

“You’ll feel better, trust me”

“I guess”

“So talk to him”

“I will” Granit says.

“Good, but you haven’t hurt yourself recently have you?”  
“No, not for a while”

“Good, I’m proud of you. But yeah, talk to Oli about how you’re feeling. You’ll feel better”

“I guess I know that”

“Yeah, now let’s play and take your mind off it”

“Ok”

Shkodran starts the game up again and Granit focuses and tries to take his mind off the whole situation. He’s feeling better by the time he leaves.

“I’ll see you tomorrow” Shkodran says.

“Yeah see you”

“Bye”

“Bye”

Granit walks out the door and heads for Olivier’s house. Shkodran had been right, he should talk to him. He arrives in 15 minutes and knocks on the door, hoping he’s still up. 

“Granit? Are you ok?” Olivier asks when he sees him and damn, now Granit feels guilty.

“Yeah I’m fine, I just think we should talk”

“Sure, come in”

Olivier leads him through to the living room and they sit down.

“What d’ya wanna talk about?” Olivier asks, slightly nervous.  
“I’m worried”

“About what?”

“That you’ll leave me”

“Oh. I’d never leave you, honestly”

“I know it hasn’t been easy for you, with what I did…”

“Hurting yourself?” Olivier asks.

“Yeah”

“It was harder for you”

“I guess”

“Yeah I’d never leave you over something like that, don’t worry”

“Thanks”

“I just want to help you”

“You do” Granit says “A lot”

“I’m glad, but seriously, I’d never leave you. I love you too much for that”

Granit smiles “Thanks, I love you too”

“Come on, we should go to bed”

“Yeah”

Granit follows Olivier up the stairs to the bedroom, he was feeling better now. Olivier finds them both pyjamas and they get changed and into bed.

“I mean it, I love you so much” Olivier says.

“I’m glad, I love you too”

“We should sleep now, we have training tomorrow”

“Yeah ok”

“Hope you sleep well”

“You too”

“Night”

“Night”

Olivier pulls Granit close and they both shut their eyes. Granit was feeling better, Olivier wouldn’t leave him and yes, he can almost believe that now. He settles down and tries to drift off.


	6. still ill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i'm sorry i just wanted to write ;) bit similar to something in another fic but oh well! enjoy :D

Granit was feeling bad, he’d just had an argument with Olivier. Nothing serious, just a misunderstanding.

You took it too far he tells himself as he reaches for his blades. Ok he knows he shouldn’t do it but god he was desperate. He doesn’t even think of the fact he hasn’t cut for months, he just needs it tonight.

Once he’s done it he realises he’ll have a problem. He has no first aid stuff in. Months of cutting meant it had all gotten used up and he just hadn’t replaced it. Maybe he could call someone, but who? Calling Oli’s out. Shkodran maybe? Without really thinking, he dials.

“Hey” Shkodran says when he answers.

“Hey, do you have any first aid stuff?”

“Yeah sure, what happened?”

“Nothing, I just caught myself”

“Granit…”

“Ok I did it again! I’m sorry”

“It’s ok, what happened?”

“Argument”

“Ah, I’m coming round anyway, I’ll be there soon”

“Thanks” Granit says. He hangs up and finds a towel to stop the bleeding.

Shkodran arrives 10 minutes later. Granit answers.

“Thanks for coming” He says

“No problem, let’s get you cleaned up”

“Sure”

They find themselves in the living room and Shkodran cleans Granit’s arms before bandaging them.

“Thanks” Granit says

“No problem, you should’ve called before you did it”

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t really think”

“That much is clear, but next time…”

“Yeah, I know”

“So you and Oli had a fight”

“Yeah, it was stupid”

“Why don’t you go and speak to him?”

“Yeah I might do”

“You should, he’ll be glad to see you”

“Yeah”

“Come on, I’ll give you a lift”

“Thanks”

They head out to Shkodran’s car and get in. He drives them the 15 minutes to Olivier’s house. When they get there Granit’s nervous. Even so he gets out and knocks.

“Hey” Olivier says when he answers

“Um, hey”

“Come in”

“Thanks”

Olivier leads him through to the living room where they sit.

“Can I get you a drink?” Olivier asks.

“No I’m fine”

“Did you want something?”

“I came to apologise”

“I think it’s me who should be apologising”

“No it was me, I’m sorry”

“I’m sorry too” Olivier says, reaching to hug Granit. When they break apart he notices Granit’s arm. “Oh, what happened?”

“I just caught myself”

“Granit…”

“Fine. I’m sorry ok I was stressed”

“It’s ok, you were doing so well though”

“I know, I’m an idiot”

“Not an idiot, just impulsive” Olivier assures him.

“Yeah, can we go to bed?”

“Sure”

They head upstairs and Olivier finds them pyjamas. They get changed and into bed.

“I really am sorry about before” Granit says

“No it was my fault, I shouldn’t have just assumed”

“It’s fine don’t worry”

“Yeah, we should sleep now”

“We should, night then”

“Night, I love you”

“I love you too”

Olivier pulls Granit closer then, he was scared now, Granit had hurt himself again. He’d definitely keep a better eye on him tomorrow.


	7. these things take time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooo! enjoy :) chapter title's a smiths song as per

When Olivier wakes up, he has a thought.

“Granit” He says

“Yeah?”

“I want you to give me your razors”

“They’re not here”

“Ok well we’ll go back to your house and I’ll take them”

“I’m sleeping”

“Later then” Olivier says, stroking his hair

Granit hums in acknowledgement and rolls over. Olivier’s not tired anymore so he pulls Granit into his arms and messes around on his phone. Granit wakes up half an hour later.

“Are you awake now sleeping beauty?” Olivier asks

“Just about”

“Breakfast?”

“Sure”

Olivier pulls back the covers and they get out of bed, heading downstairs to the kitchen where he makes them toast and coffee.

“Where did you get your razors from anyway? I thought you got rid of them” Olivier asks

“I bought more”

“When?”

“The other day”

“Oh, why?”

“Just in case”

“You should’ve said something”

“Sorry”

“It’s ok, I’ll take them now anyway but please, don’t get more”

“I’ll try I promise”

“Thank you”

They eat breakfast watching the news and after go to get changed. Then they head to Olivier’s car, driving to Granit’s house. 

“Give them to me” Olivier says when they arrive

“Alright”

Granit goes upstairs to the bedroom and finds them, bringing them back down to Olivier. 

“Thank you” Olivier says “Want to watch a film?”

“Sure”

Granit goes and puts one on and they sit on the couch. 

“How are your arms today?” Olivier asks, pulling Granit into his arms.

“They sting a bit”

“No wonder, we should get you some savlon”

“I have some”

“Good, make sure you use it”

“I will”

“We don’t want you getting an infection” Olivier says, placing a kiss on Granit’s head.

“No”

They settle down to watch the film.

 

A few weeks later and Granit was doing well. He hadn’t cut again, sure there had been times where he wanted to but he’d call Olivier and he’d come over and distract him. So yes, things were going well.

“Let me see your arms” Olivier says one evening just before they’re going to bed, it had become a routine for them now.

Granit rolls up his sleeves and Olivier can see scars but no new cuts.

“Good” Olivier says “I’m proud of you”

“Thanks, can we go to bed?”

“Sure”

They get under the covers and Olivier pulls Granit closer.

“I’m so proud of you” Olivier says

“Thanks, it’s been hard”

“No wonder, but it’s worth it in the end”

“It is, I’m tired. I’m going to sleep”

“Sure, night then”

“Night, I love you”

“Love you too”

Granit snuggles down into Olivier’s arms and drifts off.


End file.
